That Look
by Tears of a Phoenix
Summary: Zoe contemplates who Mal really needs.
1. Default Chapter

Title: That Look

Author: Tears of a Phoenix

Disclaimer: Don't own 'em, just playing

Spoilers: Objects in Space

Rating: PG

Summary: Zoe contemplates who Mal really needs.

Author Notes; Much thanks to virtualinsomnia at livejournal for the beta.

I see the look that she sends him when heÕs not looking, the one she thinks no one else sees. That look fills me with fear and worry every time I catch it. 

I love them both. I know how lonely they are, and on the surface, it looks perfect. They look like a perfect storybook couple. The Captain, all closed off and broken, looking towards space for his place in this world while the Companion gives up her rich, society life in order to be with the outlaw. All for love, mind you. But I know him better than that, better than any of them do. I knew him before, when he was a whole man; and I saw him break. I know what he needs, sometimes even better than he does himself.

Walsh is jealous of that. Jealous of our bond, more so because he donÕt understand it. DonÕt understand how two people can be so close, platonic and unrelated. And IÕve just gotten tired of trying to explain it to him. The Captain and I left our pasts in Serenity Valley, our friendship was the only thing of our old lives that we really kept. Until Serenity and getting a crew, we were the only family we had left in this whole Ôverse. 

But I also know women like Inara. IÕm not talking about whores or Companions. IÕm talking about women who fall for the wrong guy thinking that they can change him, heal him or fill that empty place inside of him. 

Thing is, sheÕd only fill it for a bit. She wants to put down roots. Mal ainÕt going to ever be really happy doing that. HeÕd always compare it to Shadow and it would never add up. Because it would never have the people that Shadow had. He needs to fly; he needs to always move, to know that he can escape if he has to. Escape if the memories get too much for him.

He knows that sheÕs all wrong for him, too. SheÕs his past. Someone he could have loved and married if the war or Serenity Valley had never happened. SheÕll never be his future. 

But knowing donÕt stop my heart from jumping into my throat every time she glances at him with that look in her eyes. Fear that heÕll try, that heÕll ruin them both just because heÕs lonely right now. Cause he cares for her, and for the memory that she represents and heÕd hate to hurt her, in the end he will, canÕt change the truth. 

Tonight, as we all sit around the dinner table, he glances at her, missing her look, with a look of regret and acceptance in his eyes. When his eyes fall back to his plate and he sighs heavily, I hurt for him even though I am happy that he finally came to the right decision. I hurt that he has to give up another one of his old dreams for his new life. But I know that in the end it will be better for him. HeÕll be happier.

The other end of the table explodes in laughter, RiverÕs laughter clear and beautiful above the others. Since Jubal had tried to take her, sheÕs grown a lot. You see the woman that sheÕs going to become. The broken child is slowly disappearing. 

Something inside of me tells me to look at Mal and I do. I learned a long time ago to listen to that little voice when dealing with Mal. Saved both of our hides many a times. 

The look in his eyes stuns me, especially when I see where itÕs directed. At River. And then it all makes sense. Two completely broken people having to start over in the blackness of space. TheyÕll heal each other and sheÕll never make him put down roots. Because she loves Serenity just as much as him. 

I can feel all my fears for Mal settle down and I start eating again. Mal needs a woman who can take care of herself, that can handle a gun. One he doesnÕt have to protect from the life we lead. RiverÕs that woman, at least is growing to be. It helps that heÕd never be able to hide from her, not his deepest and darkest parts. I know Ôem cause I have Ôem too. Mal ainÕt the one to share, let another know about them. My Captain donÕt like looking weak, cause he ainÕt. 

I look up at him again and notice that his cheeks are little red. Taking a peak at River, I know why. She caught him, not just looking but thinking. Her face donÕt show much, but her eyes, just like MalÕs, show everything if you look long enough, hard enough. The confusion, pride and finally, understanding and joy. 

ItÕs not time yet, but when theyÕre both ready, well thatÕll be a fun day. I canÕt wait to see the DocÕs and the rest of the crewÕs reactions. That thought puts the biggest smile on my face and I feel laughter bubbling up from my gut. Wash leans over and asks me if IÕm okay. I smile and say, ÒYes, honey. EverythingÕs just fine.Ó 

My gaze catches MalÕs, he loses some tension when he sees my acceptance. His face breaks into that little smile of his, the one that shows he knows that I know. That he's glad for it, for me and that he's ready to move forward. I love it when Mal gives me that look. Means I can stop worrying. At least for awhile.


	2. Mal's POV

Title: That Look Part 2  
  
Author: Tears of a Phoenix  
  
Disclaimer: Don't own 'em, just playing  
  
Spoilers: Objects in Space,  
  
Rating: PG  
  
Summary: Mal starts to let go of his past dreams and moves forward.  
  
Author Notes: And much thanks to maxzhot for the beta.  
  
I can feel Zoe tense next to me at the dinner table. My body reacts immediately, wanting to search out the threat. Then my mind catches up and I relax, only a bit. I know what Zoe's upset about without having to look up from my dinner plate. Only one person gets Zoe to make that little noise of fear and worry that she has, the one that between a silent sigh and a moan. Inara. More specifically, Inara looking at me with that look in her eyes.  
  
I want to look up see her looking at me like that, but then Zoe'd be mad and worried. Cause she knows that I probably wouldn't be able to let it stop there. And she'd be right. It's been a long time, and I could love her. Least that's what I tell myself. I can't stop hearing Zoe's voice in my head, telling me that it just wouldn't work. She told me so just last night in the cockpit when we both couldn't go back to sleep 'cause of the memories. Can't remember a time when Zoe told me to stay away from a woman, well, besides Saffron.  
  
It's not cause she feels threatened. Hell, Inara seems to understand me and Zoe's bond. Plus Zoe knows that I'd never be able to leave her, might as well leave my right arm behind. She could leave me though. Wash is healing her, making the memories not so strong, not so powerful. Someday, she might not need me anymore. I don't know if I'll survive that day. Zoe is the only one that knows, the only one that understands me, both me's.  
  
Inara would have loved me before the war, before Serenity Valley. Not likely our paths would have crossed, but then I would have been everything she wants me to be. I would have been the idealistic man who could take care of her, protect her without suffocating her. I'd let her work, let her play, let her be a real woman, let her be a mother. But now, now, I can't give her that. I can't go back to that man, that boy who believed in happy endings. Who could control the darkness inside him, never worrying about it becoming too strong, cause it's not like he knew there are shades of black, shades of darkness.  
  
And children, hell, I got me a ship full of them, 'cept for Zoe and the Preacher. Don't need no more, at least not till I get those nightmares under control. Then maybe, if I trust her enough to protect them if I ain't there; I'd think about it.  
  
Plus, I know that Inara don't want to be out in the black all her life. She enjoys being on a planet too much to be happy living on Serenity forever. Me, can't see it. Can't see anywhere being good enough to land for longer than a few days. The black, this ship is my home, my future. I'm close to making that decision Zoe's been wanting, been waiting for. She trusts me to make it, to make her feel safe again. Don't know why she trusts me like that. Her gorram husband don't either. Course not much Walsh gets.  
  
She knows that once I make this decision, I won't go back on it. Ain't built that way. It's just harder than I thought to give up on him, to give up that I'll ever be him again. But can't be, won't be unless you take away Serenity Valley and Zoe. Hell, when I think about it like that, ain't no way I could be with Inara. That boy who'd love Inara the way she should be, she wants to be just don't exist anymore.  
  
I look at her, see the way the lights catch her hair, falls against her face. Can't stop the sigh that leaves me. It's time to let go of that boy. He ain't coming back. To be honest, don't think I really want him to. I rather like life the way it is now.  
  
The laughter from the end of the table breaks my concentration. First thing that catches my eyes is her sparkling eyes full of laughter, life; so different from the girl screaming and crawling out of that box. If I'm honest with myself, her body's been in my dreams just as much as Inara's. Can't say that I'm comfortable with all that she is, but don't mean I won't be. Don't mean that I don't want to kill those bastards who hurt her, made her this way. Always have, since I realized that Kaylee was gonna be okay, when I started thinking again. No child should be treated like that. But she ain't a child anymore. Doc don't seem to realize that. River's seen too much, knows too much to ever be a child again. . Kaylee called her beautiful that day, but she ain't, she more than beautiful. She's...  
  
Aw, shit. See this is why I don't get all intro...whatever it's called. I figure things out that I ain't really ready to yet. Gorram it, she caught me, she knows what the hell I'm thinking! But her eyes, I can see her brain working in 'em. She don't just know, she understands. She wants it, just like me. Not now, but soon.  
  
I can feel Zoe looking at me and her. Know that she'll figure it out. But when I hear her low laughter, my insides get all uncomfortable. I look at her and feel better. She ain't laughing at me and River or at the idea of us. She's thinking about later. We talk without using words and understand just like always. Life's good. Let go of the past and found my future. And Zoe approves. 


End file.
